The Trouble With Being A Critic is..

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome ..

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

If The Singer Had Been British..

.. would some of the most famous songs have ever made it to vinyl?

Viva Great Yarmouth - Elvis

The Night The Lights Went Out in Rutland - Vicki Lawrence

West Hartlepool (be sure to wear some wellies on your feet) - Scott MacKenzie

I left My Heart In Bognor Regis - Tony Bennett

Midnight Train To Devon - Gladys Knight and the Pips

Twenty Four Hours to Scunthorpe - Gene Pitney

Wakefield Prison Blues - Johnny Cash

Hotel Dorset - The Eagles

Blackburn, Blackburn - Frank Sinatra

Two Well Known Lines..

But from where or what? Do you recognize them?

"Roll or bowl a ball, a penny a pitch"

"Mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy"

Thought of the day

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

How Good Am I, Says I..

Personal taste is just what it says it is. PERSONAL. Your personal taste may not be to everybody's taste, and it does not put everybody else's taste into second class. Some people have a better sense of color and co-ordination than others, so how do you rate yourself? if you were to enter into a competition with others, do you think that your house decor or fashion sense would stand out from the crowd for all of the right reasons? Do you think that everybody should have the same taste as you?

Dining out with a group of friends or associates is always difficult, especially if you are having to organize it. Personal food tastes for ALL of the dining party have to be accommodated, so it is important to find out if there is a finicky eater amongst you, or maybe a vegetarian or Vegan. Do you always take the time to find out what everybody likes, or do you just book in at your favorite eating hole, assuming that because you like it, everybody will have to like it or that's just too bad? Have you ever looked across at what one of the party has ordered, and then proclaimed publicly "Yuck, that looks awful. How could you eat that stuff"? Do you feel comfortable watching one of the party pick at something because their needs were dismissed under the 'well you can't please everybody' maxim?

Do you see friends as equals, or do you covertly patronize them? How good a friend are you? Do you willingly give up your time for others? Having done so, do you then moan to others about having done it? When you help somebody, do you ask how they want you to help, or do you just do what you think is right regardless of the thoughts or feelings of the person you are helping? Do you get upset if they tell you that you are not doing it the way they want it done, and then just stalk off?

Looking beyond the instinctive reaction to go into denial, how much effort do you truly put into being a friend? If you don't honestly put much effort in, or you moan to others about it, then why do you expect anybody to be a good friend to you? If you want others to think good of you, give them a good reason so to do. It is not enough that you think that you are the 'cat's whiskers'. Remember that what you see of yourself is only personal perception.

Nobody wants to know a person who is always negative, always denigrating everything that anybody else is or has? Nobody wants a friend who always appears to be talking behind the backs of others, and you can understand this too because there is a very good chance that the friend talks behind your back.

They say that what goes around comes around. So what is coming at you? And where do you think that it started? By the time that the cock crows, will you have denied yourself thrice?

Treat others the way you would like to be treated and do it regardless of race, color, creed or income.. yours or theirs..